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  • Parker Beauregard

All Whites Are Racist, But Will You Marry Me?

Despite long-winded protestations about how terrible white people are, a large contingent of self-righteous blowhards apparently find a place in their heart to love them.



Black Lives Matter claims to represent the black community, and then because it’s 2020 every other oppressed community joined under the BLM banner, too. Basically, just not white men. Or white women when they morph into a Karen. Or blacks when they vote Republican. So not every oppressed group. And definitely not every black. 

Our collective minds really got scrambled when Don Lemon suggested that BLM is only about police brutality on the black community, even though that’s not what their website reads or their marchers chanted, and basically told another black man to start his own Marxist, anti-American organization called “Black Kids Who Are Shot By Black Thugs Lives’ Matter Too” if the thousands of black homicide victims were that important. I stopped listening. Intersectionality can be exhausting. Plus, they change the rules all the time anyways. Feminists fought for women’s rights, but then the trans movement happened, and suddenly women defending women became hateful. Who knows anymore?

To be fair, I don’t think they all believe it, especially the universal charges of white racism. I mean, most of us work or interact in diverse environments with a person who is 1) a person of color him- or herself and married to a white person, or 2) is white and is married to a person of color. And we all know celebrities who are married to whites while blaming the system. Don Lemon has a white partner; Whoopie Goldberg was famously linked to Ted Danson; actor/activist Terrence Howard didn’t seem to mind marrying and raising three kids with a white woman; and, Chicago’s black activist mayor Lori Lightfoot has a white partner. According to estimates, nearly one in five new marriages are interracial and overall 11% of whites are in interracial marriages. Good for America! According to sociologists, that is the pinnacle sign of advanced civilizations.

Still, these married-to-racist types confounds me.

How does this work? We have had it crammed down our throats that all whites are racist - unconsciously, consciously, and when it comes to creating systems, overtly.  Whiteness is pervasive and racism is ubiquitous. The message is clear. Racism is no bueno.

However, if whites are deplorable, then how can you not only love but marry one?

Maybe the type of person to go off and marry a white racist likes the idea of a fixer upper. All whites are bad...but you will not be by the time I’m finished with you. 

Perhaps others, once they get to know a person, decide that there are exceptions to a general rule. Matt and Kenneth, well they are the office racists, but you, Jeffrey, are the sole enlightened among the group! 

A third camp must just like lording over filth. Honey, I cooked tonight, does that mean it’s your turn to do the dishes? That’s enough out of you, Ted, and atone for the sins of your forefathers! But my grandparents came through Ellis Island? Shut up!


Maybe they secretly want to be white themselves? That's what BLM tells black conservatives. They literally call them Uncle Toms. I wouldn't blame them; all of this privilege, and by privilege I mean being called a racist, is awesome.

Whatever the reason, there are all kinds of people of color going off and marrying white people. Talk about the ultimate self-flagellation. I think you’re a racist (i.e. horrible human being) and P.S. I love you! Let’s have kids. (Oops, except, kids are pollutants and cause climate change…) I don’t know. Some have kids, I guess. 

What about the couples that do have kids?

Tiger Woods had to please two ginormous populations to please every day. Be blacker, Tiger! Be more Asian, Tiger! His parents created quite a firestorm of public relations for him. At least Chappelle straightened that out. So what did he end up doing? He married a white woman. And not an American white; a Swedish white. Good for him.

But their kids, man. How do you identify? Quarter-Asian, quarter-black, and half-Swedish? Maybe that last part was presumptuous of me; she could have been half-Norwegian and half-Swedish, so the kids share a cultural heritage of quarter-Norwegian and quarter-Swedish. When it comes to ethnicity, precision is key.

If I were a gambling man, I’d say his kids identify as black. Wait - can they identify as black? Rachel Dolezal wasn’t allowed to identify as black. People not even connected to her even lost their jobs because they asked if sex is fluid, then why isn’t race? Here’s the door.

Colin Kaepernick was raised by a white woman, but now he’s black and definitely not on Team White. Our first black president was raised by a white mom and white grandmother. He still claims the black community and the black community still claims him. Half-black leftist is more black than full-black conservative. Someone needs to write the rules down for me.

If you work in a big city, chances are you also know someone that is not white but was nevertheless raised by a white family. Nothing wrong with that. Heritage is important, and the great thing about America is that you get to keep your heritage and can be an American just by adopting her values. More power to you. Koreans and Chinese babies are often adopted into white families. They get love and security and the parents who would otherwise be childless get to raise kids. Win-win. The only thing better is a Michael Scott win-win-win resolution.

Except one day...the kids go to college and their parents become the enemy. Mom and Dad, you are racist! But we raised you; we love you? You have privilege! We worked three jobs to provide for you? You took me from my ancestral lands! But you were stolen and sold to an orphanage? Shut up!

No wonder Black Lives Matter proposes abolishing the Western-prescribed nuclear family. This is a nightmare to work through.

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